Monday, December 18, 2006

eff

I am at a loss for words. I have never been so upset with myself and so disgusted with my actions. I push everything by doing nothing and then I find myself on the edge of things and it doesn't even hit me until it's too late. I have to seriously get my shit together with school and start taking things seriously. I feel like such a failure right now. I don't want to think or talk about it and I just act so nonchalant when people bring up school, but I just want to tell them I fucked up and now I have to teach myself how to actually be a student all over again, without blaming it on my shitty high school or freshman year. It's just laziness, and it's fucking stupid.

I have to get help next semester and I should have this semester.

I keep feeling so upset because I let down my parents, even though I can't bring myself to tell them, and then I know that I have to do this for me, not them, and I get even more mad at myself because I dissapointed myself more than anything.

3 comments:

lorinda said...

Failure is a kick in the pants, but you are just the kind of person to let it make you stronger.

Rooting for you.

Secret Pal said...

I'm sorry to hear about it. I had such trouble in high school after a previous school experience of acing everything and not having to study. It sucked. It has followed me since then although not as badly. Good for you recognizing it now and trying to take control!

kramden said...

You'll be fine -- your post shows you've already thought about what you need to do. I've got faith in your good judgment and common sense.